Abandon Hope.

Spent the last couple of weeks in an alcohol fueled haze.
What with the advance from the magazine deal, and another advance for my screenplay, I'm rolling in fucking cash, and soaking in cider!

There was a bidding war between 'Scat Monthly' and 'Poo Patrons Periodical' for my story, and 'Scat Monthly' won, and paid me a large wad of cash. So, now I have somewhere to live.
It's only a small room, newly decorated, and smelling of fresh shit. Somewhere to sit my unwiped arse, and lay my lice ridden head.

At the top of the house, there is a small kitchen, where the houses other occupants smoke crack, and make some new bird called Anya suck their cocks for beans on toast. She eats hungrily, with the beans glistening in the sun, and the toast dripping with cum. The concentration she puts into each bite, clear to see on her jutting out forehead.

Each night I've trekked back to the laneway, to gather up more of my belongings, and it was there that I discovered the body of a cripple that I had forgotten I had murdered. He had on a pair of boots that would have served me well last winter had I only remembered.

I never realised how much stuff I had robbed over my time in the laney laneway. Wallets, cameras, clothes, and even a chemical toilet. Why the fuck I nicked that I will never know, but, someone will no doubt find a use for it, so I think I'll fuck it through someones window later.

So, here I sit, alone at my lappy laptop, typing away my thoughty thoughts, and reading the many emee emails from my many fans, requesting letters and pictures of my turd producing skills, but alas, they now have to wait for the release of my book 'Abandoned to a life of shit', due for publication next may.

Well, I'm off out to get a new supply of cider, and to visit that old cunt with the dead dog . It's time I chinned the cunt again.

Released into the wild

Well, they released (booted) me from hospital this morning. It seems they could no longer stand the smell, or my expertise in the game of basket ball. I made my way back to my squat in the woods so I could ponder the next chapter of my book "Lifes Shit", and get it down on my laptop.

I was in for a bit of a shock, coz there was a bird waiting for me! She said her name was Anal Peters, and she was blown away by my pics in 'Scat Monthly'. She said she was desperate to see me in action, so I obliged and dropped my trousers and got into character, so to speak.

Just after I'd delivered my third log, there was a noise behind me, and another bird walks up to me! This one was called Eva Deepfries, and she was another fan of the wobbling man!

Well' the first bird didn't take kindly to this, and started shouting 'He's mine you
American cunt!', and went for her. I dived out of the way, and had just started to pull up my pants, when they started picking up my shit, and lobbing it at each other, like a pair of fucking monkeys in the bastard Zoo!

They were soon both covered in shit and rolling on the ground, but the English bird seemed to be winning the fight. No surprise really, the other cunt was just a fucking yank. Nice tits though.

I left the stupid cunts to it, and went off with the yanks handbag. I found enough in it to get a supply of cider (my eyes were famished of cider), and two portions of cod and chips.

A short while later, I was well fed and watered, and sat down for a better look through her bag. There wasn't much, just a bible and her passport. I struggled to decide which one to wipe my arse on, so in the end I settled for both.

A really fucking weird thing happened then. I was walking down the road, and I heard some cunt shouting that he wanted to die. It was some twat in a wheelchair pouring petrol over himself. The trouble was that like most spakkas, he didn't think ahead, and didn't have any matches, so I gave him mine.

The cunt went up like a fucking bonfire, and he was screaming his fucking head off, and people started to come out of their houses, so I thought I should fuck off. I was already bored with his screaming anyway. still, one less window licker in the world.

Coming out of the coma.

It's been a strange week.

I remember drinking a large bottle of cider, and a bottle of scotch, and feeling a bit rough.
I decided it wouldn't be safe to walk back to the woods in my condition, so I nicked a car instead.
I don't know what the fucks up with car drivers today, they were all over the fucking road, and making it hard for me to get where I was going, so I drove on the path for a bit.
The last thing I remember was going back onto the road, and this big cunt of a truck was heading for me.....

Anyway, I came to in hospital, feeling like fucking hell, and covered in bandages, and true to form, I'd shit myself. Great fucking start to the day.
Then I heard some voices, and some cunt (probably a nurse) said they were going to take my bandages off.
There was a constant crying and wailing in the background, and it sounded like some American cunt, howling "my baby, my baby", And I remember wishing someone would chin the cunt. I hate Americans at the best of times, and believe me, this wasn't any where near the best!

Well, off come the bandages, and this stupid cunt screams "That's not my daughter!", and falls to her knees praying, while her old man sat there with a laptop updating his fucking blog!

I don't understand these cunts.